Toxic lover

Xanax ...I took you in and you comforted me. Your warm glow spread over the deep pain in my heart and soothed my jangling nerves. Our relationship had begun.

How I loved you~ who wouldn't; after all, you set me free and gave me a chance to do 'brave' things (seduced me into believing I was more able to be me).

Our honeymoon period was all I could have dreamed of. You were there for me; my savior, my friend, my relief from emotional pain and anxiety...all was well now I had you.

I refused to believe the rumors about you; that you were fickle, short-lived and would turn on me in the end. I heard you were controlling and toxic, but I wouldn't listen ~ I needed this love affair with you, because I felt so good (with you inside me) and you gave me a chance at a full life, or so I thought...

Things weren't always straightforward and easy with you, there was a third party involved; to experience your love I needed the approval of a doctor before I could be embraced by you again. I hadn't realized you were conditional; so I sought out a doctor who would give me endless supplies of you, and our love affair was back on track; I went back to a 'normal life,' snug, secure and safe inside, free from the agony of anxiety.

It was insidious really... I became clingy and insecure; I constantly needed to keep checking up on you. I'd search my purse to ensure the pill box was still there ~ I'd check the nightstand; I'd count out the days I had left before I'd need to refill you.

You became the boss of me. You became a control freak. You took away my freedom and eventually, you convinced me I couldn't live without you; and you were so right!... I tried to give you up time and again, but the withdrawal from you was unbearable; terrible pains in my body, a strange wooliness and ache in my head, stomach upsets and every nerve ending screamed out for you! Life was unbearable without your soothing calm, your warm embrace, your fickle assurance that all was well.. until I realized...you had slowly remove my will.

And now I know how abusive you are, anxiety creeps through every cell, because I know I can't leave you. My toxic lover; I love you, I hate you and I need you way too much; but what do you care? You've won another soul. Now so much of you has carved itself into the neurons of my brain, that I cannot be free of you without help and expensive intervention.

You, who I hate to love, have become a jealous lover, and demand that I concentrate solely on you. You, (who once gave me the courage to make friends and mingle ), now cause me to isolate and obsess, and you, who once gave me the chance at a 'normal' life, now cause extreme panic, weight gain, sleepless nights, loss of self esteem, loss of memory...and worst of all; loss of independence and choice.

I look at you, there on the night stand, (having counted out the days I have left with you ) ~ what can I do? I can't afford expensive detox treatments; I can't do it alone...and so the game goes on.

Of course I know its not ALL your fault, (it takes two to tango). But I want so much to end this relationship. Because of you, I don't care like I used to, I don't work like I used to, I don't feel like I used to and I don't know how to live, without you ...Xanax!

Writers note: As a therapist, I wanted to draw attention to the 'toxic relationship' between the addict and the substance. Addiction is a huge problem in our society. You can substitute the word xanax with any person, place, thing; (alcohol, nicotine, food, internet, porn, texting, gaming, gambling, sex, misery, work, money) to see how addiction and obsession saps the life, creativity and choice out of everyone in its grasp.

Copyright © 2010

(There are people who don't even know they are addicted, until the object of their dependency is removed).